88 mph

November 19, 2010 at 8:26 pm (Uncategorized)

We went early this morning to the 3am showing of The Deathly Hallows. It was good, but together with the second installment will be complete. It was hard to see it end so abruptly. We decided to go see it last night in order for me to be fully awake for my MRI at 6am. It went quickly, thank goodness. Now back to the waiting… the first feels like it is very far away.

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time travel and other possibilities

November 17, 2010 at 6:37 am (Uncategorized)

It is a good thing that my husband and I made the foray into the final frontier and decided we were done creating children and were content raising the ones we had. Two days ago, I found out that even though I am still not yet in my middle years, that my biological clock is indeed winding down.

It started last year while our little beasty was in kindergarten, and the littlest still in diapers. I, out of nowhere, after exclaiming multiple time I felt complete and done having children, felt the want of one more child. Just one more. One more to raise, love, dote on, be driven crazy by, hug, kiss, bandage, watch grow and leave our nest. Just one more. Oh we went back and forth. There were many nights I cried. I felt that child in my arms. Then the other shoe dropped.

I lost my sex drive. There was no more vroom vroom in the bedroom for this gal. Every once in a while, maybe a twinge, or a few miraculous times lust even. For the most part, other than because of the skills of my lover, there was nada. Then he began having sleepless nights. And some crying nights. And we argued, bantered, and drove each other crazy. I wasn’t wild anymore, we were vanilla, he was ok with that. But why should he be? How was that even fair? But life happens, and as in most marriages, things need fixing, adjusting, paying, fixing. All of a sudden there’s no time for your spouse again. Why would we want another child to complicate an already over complicated situation? Why would I want to steal any more time away from my children or my husband by being selfish and bringing just one more to our life? That’s really what stopped me in my tracks. I was being selfish. I decided I was not ok with that at all.

Then the morning sickness started. Every month 1 to 2 weeks before I cycled. Tender boobs, nausea, mood swings, swelling. Every month I cried because secretly, deep down I’d hope God had chosen to give us this final child. Every month emotional upheaval on some level or another when my cycle started. And then they migrated, became heavier, and I hurt more or became sick more or maybe moodier. And I felt silly and angry at the same time. How could I expect others to understand how I feel? Why couldn’t others feel for me? It was a hard time for everyone I think…Then I went to the doctor. I was hurting badly and wanted answers. Did some tests, never heard back. I figured everything was normal. Then we just became busy with life again. This summer was one of the worst we’ve ever weathered as a couple.

Almost one year to the day that this discussion began, my loving spouse got snipped. It was the wise thing to do. We were being responsible for our family and for ourselves. The irony is, two months later, at the finish line looking at our sexual freedom, we found out Tuesday that I am in menopause. The beginning, enough to be on light hormones, not complete shutdown as yet so it is a good thing that my lover was fixed. But it is terminal, my eggs aren’t all they were cracked up to be, and in the next few years I’ll be past this season of my life. So this means by 45 I’ll definitely only be holding  my grand babies.

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