88 mph

November 19, 2010 at 8:26 pm (Uncategorized)

We went early this morning to the 3am showing of The Deathly Hallows. It was good, but together with the second installment will be complete. It was hard to see it end so abruptly. We decided to go see it last night in order for me to be fully awake for my MRI at 6am. It went quickly, thank goodness. Now back to the waiting… the first feels like it is very far away.


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time travel and other possibilities

November 17, 2010 at 6:37 am (Uncategorized)

It is a good thing that my husband and I made the foray into the final frontier and decided we were done creating children and were content raising the ones we had. Two days ago, I found out that even though I am still not yet in my middle years, that my biological clock is indeed winding down.

It started last year while our little beasty was in kindergarten, and the littlest still in diapers. I, out of nowhere, after exclaiming multiple time I felt complete and done having children, felt the want of one more child. Just one more. One more to raise, love, dote on, be driven crazy by, hug, kiss, bandage, watch grow and leave our nest. Just one more. Oh we went back and forth. There were many nights I cried. I felt that child in my arms. Then the other shoe dropped.

I lost my sex drive. There was no more vroom vroom in the bedroom for this gal. Every once in a while, maybe a twinge, or a few miraculous times lust even. For the most part, other than because of the skills of my lover, there was nada. Then he began having sleepless nights. And some crying nights. And we argued, bantered, and drove each other crazy. I wasn’t wild anymore, we were vanilla, he was ok with that. But why should he be? How was that even fair? But life happens, and as in most marriages, things need fixing, adjusting, paying, fixing. All of a sudden there’s no time for your spouse again. Why would we want another child to complicate an already over complicated situation? Why would I want to steal any more time away from my children or my husband by being selfish and bringing just one more to our life? That’s really what stopped me in my tracks. I was being selfish. I decided I was not ok with that at all.

Then the morning sickness started. Every month 1 to 2 weeks before I cycled. Tender boobs, nausea, mood swings, swelling. Every month I cried because secretly, deep down I’d hope God had chosen to give us this final child. Every month emotional upheaval on some level or another when my cycle started. And then they migrated, became heavier, and I hurt more or became sick more or maybe moodier. And I felt silly and angry at the same time. How could I expect others to understand how I feel? Why couldn’t others feel for me? It was a hard time for everyone I think…Then I went to the doctor. I was hurting badly and wanted answers. Did some tests, never heard back. I figured everything was normal. Then we just became busy with life again. This summer was one of the worst we’ve ever weathered as a couple.

Almost one year to the day that this discussion began, my loving spouse got snipped. It was the wise thing to do. We were being responsible for our family and for ourselves. The irony is, two months later, at the finish line looking at our sexual freedom, we found out Tuesday that I am in menopause. The beginning, enough to be on light hormones, not complete shutdown as yet so it is a good thing that my lover was fixed. But it is terminal, my eggs aren’t all they were cracked up to be, and in the next few years I’ll be past this season of my life. So this means by 45 I’ll definitely only be holding  my grand babies.

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May 27, 2010 at 12:28 am (Uncategorized)

As for me, like most, I have very few early childhood memories. I read somewhere once that over time, we overwrite them (like an old floppy) or possibly our brains compartmentalize (like an old box full of tax filings)
the things that were not necessary for our survival within our physical life. It shreds, stores, or even hides things from it’s doppleganger, the conscience mind. Id. Ego. Ourselves. So somewhere we are hard wired to lie, muddle, or tamper with things that are our own without ever really remembering it. No wonder in this world we know we have mental health issues. How can we believe in ourselves, if we never really know who we are or if we can even believe our own memories or thoughts? How could we not second guess ourselves?

Of my earliest memories, some are like movies; others I can really remember the tactile real way things felt to my childish self. Some are more like an abstract work of art. Only known through passing of stories, pictures, or my own personal photobook in my mind. Small moments captured in time, like a snap shot. So all these things are still in there somewhere, maybe to never be dusted off and remembered fondly, but still there none the less.
One of my most fluid memories is from preschool. Actually alot of them are. Especially as I have tried desperately to bring forth these intagible strings. It seems they are tied together somehow like a great big yarn ball made from many different skiens. One memory of sliding down the slide and getting a splinter in my leg for example. Of being taken to the kitchen, patched up, and given a chocolate milk to soothe me. Yet another of washing my hands at the long stainless steel sink that was at just the right height for us. There are other memories as well, not all happily ending sort either. This is where the lines blur and most of my young innocense is lost
in the depth of time.

You see, there are also many facets to each person. Most of what is on the surface are niceties. Lighter tones that, most times, are melodic to the eyes as well as ears. It is as we begin to bridge the gap of perception and
reality once again that we see a person for all their depth and breadth. The volume that we weigh instintively to measure the goodness and openess or harshness and callusness of our fellow man. We make that snap
judgement that stays with us forgeting that reality is just as layered and flawed as our memories are. Because it is our memories that make us jump to conclusions and help us form opinions.

Many such opinions were formed about me all through my life. Many had formed opinions, assumed, and never stopped to ponder what on earth could thouroughly damage a person, yet leave them with virtues they must hide. Hidden away for survival reasons, once again instinct taking over. Never really knowing what facet to show. If one should be the summation or the fragment, I showed whatever people have needed most at the time. Leading me into many dark places, and few of beauty.For those reading, I wish to impart this, I make no claim other than this is nothing more or less than myself and my story as I see it in this very moment.

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the wholly grail…or why i stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb

August 20, 2009 at 9:08 am (Uncategorized)

talking dirty has it’s advantages, and it’s pitfalls. in my case there was a successful foray in the wildness of liberating speech with ones lover. kudos for us.

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round and round again

August 10, 2009 at 8:54 am (Uncategorized)

it has been quite some time between now and when I last wrote. our mancub turned one year closer to out of our door, our thing turned 2, and little beast will be turning five and starting school in a few short weeks. i am a year older as well. 33 is a good place to be.

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in the quiet

February 6, 2009 at 10:46 am (Uncategorized)

sometimes, it is good to be enveloped in the deep of night.  to let it comfort you, to find solace within it; a quiet pause amid the cacophony of daily routines.  to step outside of the glaring garishness of neon and see the world in it’s own quiet steadfast glow, collecting ones-self strength from the cool ground to follow the day yet to come that is covered in pavement. 

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music of the night

February 5, 2009 at 10:16 am (Uncategorized)

our time together at phantom was wonderful. we were able to capture some great memories as well. if only everything could last…

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lovely day all around

January 25, 2009 at 5:15 am (Uncategorized)

our lovely little beast went rollerskating for the first time today. she loved it so! even thing had a ball pulling uncle around the rink. she would have been skating as well, but they don’t make skates for small toddlers…. I’m so glad they had a wonderful time.

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feeling all warm inside

January 21, 2009 at 8:03 pm (Uncategorized)

it’s warm outside, but freezing in my home. i wish i could figure this one out…

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walking along…

January 15, 2009 at 6:50 pm (Uncategorized)

so I have this horrible thing. I can’t breathe, coughing all the time, don’t feel like keeping up with anything. blech…

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